Why do Koreans opt to be alone at social events?

[WHY]

Kylie Jenner may bask in the spotlight on a red carpet with her boyfriend, Timothée Chalamet, as her arm candy. But Korean actors Son Ye-jin and Hyun Bin would hardly ever dream of doing the same, despite being married, and neither would singer Tiffany Young and her husband, actor Byun Yo-han.

For Korean celebrities, even those who have made their relationships public, romance on the red carpet is seemingly off-limits.

Award ceremonies never prohibit couples — married or dating — from staying by each other’s side or appearing in photos together; in most cases, it is the individual’s choice to attend major events alone. 

But this behavior is not limited to celebrities in showbiz. Rather, it speaks more to how the average Korean views social events.

Whether the gathering is personal or official, Koreans typically show up alone when only they have been explicitly invited.

Is that because Koreans prefer being alone? Or are they just unfamiliar with bringing a plus-one?

No partner, no risk

In mid-November of last year, Hyun Bin stepped out of a black van alone and walked down the red carpet for the Blue Dragon Film Awards. Minutes later, his wife, Son Ye-jin, arrived in a separate vehicle.

The same happens with other celebrity couples in Korea. Rarely do you see romantic pairs together at official events, even if they have been married for years.

“Korean celebrities tend to be self-conscious about showing up with their spouses at [such events],” a representative from the company that organizes awards ceremonies told the Korea JoongAng Daily. “They prefer to draw a line between their professional life and private life.”

That separation is actually a widespread Korean ethic.

This universal yet unspoken code of conduct is meant to avoid risks and controversies in a hypersensitive society, in which each and every one of a celebrity’s actions is scrutinized by both fans and haters. And since there is almost no precedent, no couple seems brave enough to try to break the tradition. 

That rule also applies to the political sphere.

At last year’s inauguration of President Lee Jae Myung, the best seats were reserved for lawmakers. Similarly, at now-ousted President Yoon Suk Yeol’s inauguration, SK Group Chairman Chey Tae-won and Hyundai Motor Group Executive Chair Euisun Chung were in attendance, but seats for their plus-ones were not prepared.

The scene drew a striking contrast to when Mark Zuckerberg and his wife, Priscilla Chan, and Jeff Bezos and his then-fiancée, Lauren Sánchez, attended U.S. President Donald Trump’s inauguration last year.

“When a man appears with his spouse, he presents an image of himself as a family man, which appeals to the U.S. public,” Prof. Lee Dong-seong, a politics professor at Korea University said. “But Korean politicians think the other way. In a society in which a Confucian mindset remains, a man accompanied by his wife may turn voters away.”

However, there are seasons when Korean politicians’ wives make public appearances — not as a coincidence but as a strategic choice, experts say.

“Candidates can mobilize spouses or family members […] to appeal to voters whom they’re struggling to reach,” Prof. Lee said. “For instance, a male candidate can vie to earn votes from women by bringing his wife on the campaign trail. That appeal fades after the election.”

But Koreans have grown skeptical of this tactic, another expert said.

“Politicians’ spouses — including some first ladies — have been implicated in multiple bribery cases and interference in state affairs,” Go Min-hee, a political scientist at Ewha Womans University, said. “It made Koreans view the actions of politicians’ spouses through a critical lens.”

Don’t mix work with the personal

The rule of going solo even applies among ordinary Koreans. 

Jen Woo, a Korean who moved to the United States about six years ago, was baffled by her first U.S. corporate year-end party, as 90 percent of the guests brought their engaged or married partners for company. She was among the remaining 10 percent.

“I wasn’t familiar with that kind of […] culture, so I stood there blankly,” she said.

Woo has since brought her husband and child to corporate gatherings when plus-ones are allowed.

“I chose to do exactly the opposite of what I had done in Korea,” she said. “There, I made every effort to keep my personal life private. I didn’t share my dating status with colleagues or introduce my boyfriend to them.”

Another Korean woman was also uneasy attending social events in the United States as her husband’s plus-one, though she eventually found her footing with some practice.

“I was a bit anxious at first,” the woman, who requested anonymity, said. “Internally, I kept asking myself, ‘Is it really O.K. to be here when I’m not a student at my husband’s school?’”

The awkwardness of bringing and being a plus-one stems from Koreans’ deeply rooted mindset of separating their private and professional lives.

“Koreans prioritize the purpose of each [social] group [that they’re a part of] when balancing professional and private matters,” Prof. Kang Hye-seong of Gyeongsang National University’s family studies department said. “That strict perception — that personal issues should not disturb one’s professional work — prevails.”

Men for men, women for women

That ethos is not the only reason that Koreans hesitate to bring spouses along to social events. Complicated and centuries-old gender norms in an infamously gender-rigid society also play a role.

“Husband and wife treat each other with restraint and a sense of distance — both inwardly and outwardly,” Yi Duk-hong, a 16th-century scholar from the Joseon Dynasty (1392-1910), once wrote. “That’s how each married couple stays pure without becoming tainted.”

This ideology rules out befriending spouses’ respective friends and social groups.

“Ideal spouses, in a Korean sense, […] fulfilled various roles within the family, such as ‘daughter-in-law’ and a ‘parent,’” Lee Jae-rim, a professor who specializes in family studies at Seoul National University (SNU), said.

“They were far from viewed as social companions.”

Although the gender segregation has eased over the centuries, the new, more equal dynamic may paradoxically prevent married couples from engaging in couples’ gatherings.

“In the past, a wife accompanying her husband to work-related gatherings acted as an acknowledgment of her behind-the-scenes support,” SNU Prof. Lee said.

“That perception is no longer valid. Many [Korean] women hold professional jobs and have gained equal standing with their husbands in their households. On the other hand, men [who once enjoyed privileged position in gender hierarchy] are less likely to find becoming a plus-one at their wives' events pleasant.”

Can’t afford to be a people-pleaser

Additionally, Korean couples shy away from gatherings to protect their peace of mind, especially since interpersonal activities have been found to be tiring — even with close friends and family.

Park, a man in his second year of marriage, is intentionally reducing the number of couples’ get-togethers that he attends after he found himself distressed during a meeting with friends, in which their wives were invited. He tried to read the room without offending anyone. 

“In cases where my male friends are close with each other, but their wives are not, the husbands should [stay aware and] take care of their wife’s mood,” Park said, adding that inevitable jealousy in human relationships tends to complicate the situation.

Park’s decision is not solely unique, especially among married couples in their 20s and 30s. 

“Today’s individualism between spouses tends to prevent them from attending occasions during which they’ll have to manage the other’s mood, especially since our society has largely become colder and more fast-paced than before,” Prof. Lee Ji-min of the Human Service Department at Yeungnam University said. “That leaves less room for private gatherings.” 

Another expert noted that Koreans’ tendency to mask the reality of their marriage prevents married people from accompanying their partners. 

“Marriages in Korean society carry more significance as a social institution, unlike in Western, which value the quality of marital experiences,” Prof. Cho Eun-suk of Sangmyung University said. “Thus, those dissatisfied with their marriage tend to maintain [different] relationships [separately]. To avoid a situation of exposing cracks in marital life, our society has moved toward having fewer such occasions.”

BY LEE SOO-JUNG [[email protected]]